Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Our Deepest Fear...

Our Deepest Fear - by Marianne Williamson

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
Our deepest fear
Is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
That most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I
To be brilliant, gorgeous,
Talented, and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small don't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people
Won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people
Permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others."

That is from a book by Marianne Williamson, the name of it escapes me at the moment.
And while it would be wonderful and this earth would be a much better place if we could "automatically liberate others" by being ourselves, in reality that is not the way it works. We might make them look a bit deeper into themselves and think, "hmm, maybe I need to lighten up-she sure seems to be happy." Or, they just might get mad at us because we uncovered something in their subconscious they don't want to think about. I

I have seen a lot of that going around lately.

On the other hand I see a lot of people with no gratitude either. People who are so self-centered that they think if they didn't ask for a gift, (get that, GIFT) then they don't need to say thank you.

I really don't understand people like this at all. I know it's not my job to understand them, but it would hurt less if I did. It wouldn't hurt at all if I could just completely stop caring, so I decided to do just that. I have cut off a friendship entirely because it was one-sided anyway, and it wasn't what I consider a friendship.
Maybe my idea of what a friendship is is completely out of whack in today's world, and maybe it doesn't work for me anymore for this reason- but it is still what I believe with my heart and I have to be true to me first.

It isn't easy to cut off any kind of contact with someone you care about and once loved deeply but sometimes it is just impossible to keep going with the status quo.

Tonight is the New Moon. It is a night that is good to make new starts, to have forgiveness rituals and cut invisible threads to those things, relationships, habits, that no longer serve you. I read an interesting article from my daily Om about this kind of closure.

Here was what the article said(parts of it):

A Sense of Closure
Cutting Cords

In every relationship, people are constantly exchanging energy that can become a chord connecting two people. This energetic cord forms just below the breastbone and can remain long after a relationship has ended. This unbroken cord may leave an open channel between you and another person, through which emotions and energy can continue to flow. If you are unaware that the chord exists, it is easy to feel the other person’s emotions and mistakenly think that they are yours. Besides the fact that this can limit the amount of closure you can experience in a relationship, letting this cord remain intact can leave you with a continued sense of sadness while creating feelings of lethargy as your own energy is sapped from you. Cutting the cord can help you separate yourself from old baggage, unnecessary attachments, and release you from connections that are no longer serving you.

Finding and cutting unwanted cords is a simple, gentle process that is best done alone and when you are relaxed. It is important that you are strong in your intention to release the chord between you and someone else. To begin, breathe deeply and perform a simple centering meditation. When you are ready, visualize or sense the chords that are connecting you to other people. Run your fingers through the cords to separate them until you find the cord you wish to sever. There is no need to worry, because the chord you need to sever will feel just right. When you have found it, determine where the cut should be made and then visualize the cord being cleanly cut. If you need assistance, Archangel Michael can be called upon to help you with his sword. Afterwards, if you feel that cutting the chord has left spaces in your energy field, then visualize those spaces being filled with healing sunlight.

There may be times where cutting a cord can help free a relative or loved one to reach new stages of growth. You’re not severing a relationship, but you are severing the chords that are no longer serving you both. At other times, a cord may simply refuse to be cut because it is still serving a higher purpose. It is also important to remember that cutting a cord with someone is not a replacement for doing your emotional work with people. It can, however, be an enactment of that work upon its completion. In any case, cutting a relationship cord should always be viewed as a positive and nurturing act. By cutting the cords that no longer need to be there, you are setting yourself and others free from the ties that bind.

So tonight, in just a little while, I am going to try and cut some cords. It has to be done-even if I don't want to do it. I have cut them before in many ways, but none of them have been successful in my eyes. Why? Because I still care. I care about them, how they are, if they are alright, well or sick, lonely or happy. I care a little less about what they are doing from day to day but at times the pain still cuts when I have to admit that I mean absolutely nothing to this person. Even less, I am not even a thought in their head. That hurts.

I wonder often if there is something wrong with my emotions and that I was born with some sort of detachment disorder~ I am unable to completely detach! Am I the only one like this? Why is it soooo easy for this person and others to go on as if they had never known me, never been in love with me (even if they never said it out loud), never spilled their sould and bled in front of me. Why is it that they can act as if I am invisible when they see me and then a year later they are over here wanting to hold me? Why why I guess the Whys are what kill me, over and over- so I have to have to have to detach the same way they have.
Sort of a LALALALAAAaaaaaa I know no one, nothing, care even less attitude.

If I live to be 100 I will never understand it. I do understand that this person is broken. I don't understand why anyone wants to stay that way. I do understand that this person is terrified of fears that haven't come true because the fear is easier to hide behind than to face reality. I get that. I just don't get why anyone would want to live a whole life time in fear. Fear of love, of loving, being loved, getting love. Fear of being humiliated, hurt, lied to, cheated on by someone that proved they would never, could never do those things. Fear of the unconditional love, fear of the acceptance that they cannot even give themselves.
Fear. I have been reading so many acronyms for fear.

Face Everything And Recover.
False Evidence Appearing Real
Forgetting Everything is All Right
Frantic Effort to Avoid Reality
False Emotions Appearing Real
False Expectations Appearing Real
Forget Everything And Run (polite form)
Felines Enraged About Rodents -huh?

Ok forget the last one..but really isn't fear just not knowing what MIGHT happen? What COULD (but usually doesn't) happen? Why would you live your only life shutting out love to spend the night with fear. Will it keep you warm? Will it love you no matter what?
No it won't. So why would you bid it dwell in your life, your house?

These are the things I scratch my head over. That gets me no where but feels good to my scalp. So it's time to cut the cords for once and for all. Will it be possible to live as if I never knew this person? No.

Will it be possible to avoid him forever. Not in this small county. Will I ever get past this? Yes by cutting these cords. If they will cut. (see the article). There may be something still that has to be learned but I don't know what that could be.

I really am leaning on the second half of this article, the "here may be times where cutting a cord can help free a relative or loved one to reach new stages of growth" part of it. That part is promising to me, promising that maybe I am holding up that growth and how exciting to maybe see something like that happen. For them. For their life. Not for me.

So I hold the spiritual scissors in my hand soon and start seperating the cords to find this one. I already know it's a deep indigo blue. Interesting eh? It is silky and strong too. I saw them all the last time I tried this exercise but fell asleep. So tonight, on the new moon, I pull out the cords of silk and cut. One last time.

Friday, August 08, 2008

A day in the life...

I haven't had much to post about and have been so busy with work and contemplating the upcoming semester at the college that there just haven't been enough hours in the day!

Well since pictures speak louder than words, I will now bore you with images of my little funny garden area where I sit and work some days.

A deer paid it a visit and ate half my tomato plants down and my eggplant, petunias and the begonia flowers.

I didn't take any 'after deer' pictures, it was too depressing.
So here are the ones I have from July and August:
This is my little garden looking toward the table I sit at and work on my laptop. There is a great breeze that blows through in the afternoon. This was before the deer struck. Right now half of those tomatoes are gone.


Close up of my little garden.

My lemon colored begonia and petunia-both munched by the deer...

My Crouton-Age 14 last month.

pansies last hurrah!


Red vine plant and a clay snail I brought back from my Mom's house:
Isn't it cute?

I bought a bird feeder this spring and was hoping to attract lots of different types of birds. So far all I have gotten are every Plain Titmouse in Blue Bell Valley, some male and female grosbeaks and a white-bellied nuthatch that runs up and down my pine trees most of the time.
Here are the grosbeaks:
Male and female. He is the brighter colored one on the right:

The males

Female in tree- a little easier to see:

Male closer

I also have a lot of ground feeding birds but mostly brown or peach towhees. I have scrub jays,mouring doves and California quail too. The quail come at dusk usually and clean up.


This is a Moma bird feeding her full grown baby a bite to eat after she pecked a few, he pecked a few...on and on. They show up every day and evening to glean from the fallen seed out of the feeder.

Mom and baby


Plain titmouse


I also have a few squirrels that come back or at least their progeny do. This is a nice looking female and she is here daily. She rips through these cones like no tomorrow.
Here she has a scale in her mouth and in the next one she is flinging it away. It took me about 30 shots with the drive going on my camera to get this picture since she was pretty fast!

Flinging it-it's in the air!

So she entertains me and often another one comes to join her but the dog scared her away.

This is what the bottom of all our pines looks like in this county. This is called kitchen middens, which is German for kitchen garbage basically. It is the kitchen, as it were, of the squirrels and what is left over from devouring all these pine cones.I have two huge Coulter pines in my yard that were bred and planted by John Coulter in the 1800s (not my trees but the species itself). Coulterville, a little town south of me, was named after him. He was your typical Western rancher dude who liked trees. So these two trees are now about 80 ft tall. I have lived here for almost 30 yrs so you can image how much shorter they were then! I am grateful, actually,that they do this because they knock all these cones out of the tree and they are so huge that if they landed on you they would kill you. They have scales that are sharper and stronger than most knives and the cones weigh about 10 lbs apiece or more. When they land on the roof, however, it sounds like a bomb going off. I am not joking. It scares me and the animals too! Here is what I get left with.

Then a downy woodpecker comes around (I think it's a downy) and crawls all over the trees looking for bugs. It's hilarious the way the bend their necks to get into some of the hole they find.



As does the nuthatch:


But some of the most gorgeous ones are the goldfinches. I took most of these from my chair at the table but then one day I got in my hammock which is attached at one end to the tree the feeders are on. It took a while for them to forget I was there but they started coming back so I was able to get some nice close ups. At the end is one of my toe for spacial comparison about how close I was! You can see the green of the hammock in some of the shots because I would forget to move it with my foot.
So here are the goldfinches:





This is my toe at the end of the hammock. I was pretty close to the birds-about 10 ft. Not bad.

Here is what my buddies all look like when it's hot.
Crouton sacked out:

Mouse sacked out
Zinny thinking the birds will fall into her mouth:
Then giving up:
Silly cat.. so how has your summer been?
Have a good one!!

Sunday, July 27, 2008

You might want to know...

You might want to know...
Posted on 2008-Jul-27 at 12:44 in A day in the life..

I spent four days via remote fixing my Dad's PC last week. He was bored so he decided to fill out some online "surveys."
Next thing he knew he was getting virus warnings popping up left and right. Internet Explorer had been hijacked (he uses Firefox thanks to me) and his clock on his task bar said the time in military time with the words VIRUS ALERT! Next to it. Everything I went into on his machine said it was owned by the same words.

I spent the first three days running scans with AVG 8 and Spybot Search and Destroy. They worked great- killed off 90% of the problems.
But one kept coming back and in doing so, it was launching a myriad of invaders. It is called the Vundo virus or Virtemondo.dll. It is a really nasty, tenacious trojan that is common in drive by downloads. In other words, all you have to do is visit a page that is not nice and it will download to your pc. Be careful of messenger messages from those you don't know also.

Anyway, on day four I did some research on this particular virus and found these links and some programs to kill them.
The one I used was Malwarebytes Anti-Malware. The link to it is here>
This is the page that has the link on it.
http://www.dslreports.com/forum/r206...umondedll-. I ran it once and let it do its thing. In four minutes it had found 66 trojans on this pc!! FOUR MINUTES!! It ran for only 15 minutes and found over 100 of them total.
I had to reboot the machine at which time I lose contact via my screen sharing.

The next day Poppa called me to tell me his machine was CLEAN!! The only thing left was his cookie to Bluemountain (he uses their calendar to remind him of things) was gone. I told him how to fix that and he was set. So he has learned his lesson.. now.. will you take heed?

Make sure your virusware- whatever it is, is updated regularly. I use AVG Pro but I put ALL of my clients on AVG free. I will still include Spybot when needed as it found many things on his PC. Most of those are tracking cookies which are not always a threat. It found the Vundo virus but neither one could fix it. It has grips all over your pc. There were well over 200 entries of files thrown here and there in registries, in Windoze folders, all over the place that Vundo had scattered. It was amazing!!

Here are the notes I compiled with links to other programs that can help if Malwarebytes doesn't cut it. It cut it good with one pass on my Dad's pc. I hope yours and MINE never need it. Here is what I found:
(I got malwarebytes from the third link on this list I believe:
http://www.majorgeeks.com/Malwarebyt...d5756.html )

Download VundoFix to your desktop

* Double-click VundoFix.exe to run it.
* Click the Scan for Vundo button.
* Once it's done scanning, click the Remove Vundo button.
* You will receive a prompt asking if you want to remove the files, click YES
* Once you click yes, your desktop will go blank as it starts removing Vundo.
* When completed, it will prompt that it will reboot your computer, click OK.
* Please post the contents of C:vundofix.txt and a new HiJackThis log in a reply to this thread.



rootkit revealer

----hosts file-----------------------------









Malwarebytes Anti-Malware


* Make sure you are connected to the Internet.
* Double-click on Download_mbam-setup.exe to install the application. (If using Windows Vista, be sure to "Run As Administrator")
* When the installation begins, follow the prompts and do not make any changes to default settings.
* When installation has finished, make sure you leave both of these checked:
o Update Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware
o Launch Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware
* Then click Finish.
* MBAM will automatically start and you will be asked to update the program before performing a scan. If an update is found, the program will automatically update itself. Press the OK button to close that box and continue.
* If you encounter any problems while downloading the updates, manually download them from here and just double-click on mbam-rules.exe to install.
* On the Scanner tab:
o Make sure the "Perform Quick Acan" option is selected.
o Then click on the Scan button.
* The next screen will ask you to select the drives to scan. Leave all the drives selected and click on the Start Scan button.
* The scan will begin and "Scan in progress" will show at the top. It may take some time to complete so please be patient.
* When the scan is finished, a message box will say "The scan completed successfully. Click 'Show Results' to display all objects found".
* Click OK to close the message box and continue with the removal process.
* Back at the main Scanner screen, click on the Show Results button to see a list of any malware that was found.
* Make sure that everything is checked, and click Remove Selected.
* When removal is completed, a log report will open in Notepad and you may be prompted to restart your computer. (see Note below)
* The log is automatically saved and can be viewed by clicking the Logs tab in MBAM.
* Copy and paste the contents of that report in your next reply and exit MBAM.

Note: If MBAM encounters a file that is difficult to remove, you will be presented with 1 of 2 prompts. Click OK to either and let MBAM proceed with the disinfection process. If asked to restart the computer, please do so immediately. Failure to reboot will prevent MBAM from removing all the malware.

Download Combofix from any of the links below, and save it to your desktop. For information regarding this download, please visit this webpage: »www.bleepingcomputer.com/combofi•••combofix

view plainprint?

1. http://download.bleepingcomputer.com...mboFix.exe
2. http://www.forospyware.com/sUBs/Comb...mboFix.exe
3. http://subs.geekstogo.com/ComboFix.e...mboFix.exe

http://download.bleepingcomputer.com...mboFix.exe http://www.forospyware.com/sUBs/Comb...mboFix.exe http://subs.geekstogo.com/ComboFix.e...mboFix.exe

**Note: It is important that it is saved directly to your desktop**


1. Close any open browsers.

2. Close/disable all anti virus and anti malware programs so they do not interfere with the running of ComboFix.


Double click on combofix.exe & follow the prompts.

When finished, it will produce a report for you. •Please post the "C:ComboFix.txt" along with a new HijackThis log for further review.

Do not mouseclick combofix's window while it's running. That may cause it to stall

So that was my four days of pc repair via screen sharing with my Dad. Granted most of you are pretty computer savvy and he is too, for an 85 yr old man! But I found out the day after it was clean that my daughter (who knows better) was filling out surveys for money!! OMG!!! She has a laptop- which is just harder to deal with. Plus she has way too much music and images on her laptop- which illicites much loud screaming when I mention the word "format." She doesn't back up like I tell her too and so that will happen one day. It already did. The laptop was her grad present in 07 and 6 months later the hard drive died. So she bought (on her own!) a bigger one and had a friend install it. Now she is good to go but... still has the music and stuff on it.
Well I have tried... but she is stubborn.. where did she get that?

I hope this has been an informative post for you and that my hours of research will make yours unnecessary. I hope you never NEED this information. If you do and EFX2 is down- just e-mail me. Most of you have it or know someone else that does.

Take care all and have a nice Sunday!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Trip to Oregon-2008

Well it feels good to be back in my own blob again. That is what Olive Riley called her blog. She was the world's oldest blobber with the help of her friend Mike Rubbo, who filmed a documentary on her. She passed away on July 13, at the age of 108. She was lucid until she fell ill with a chest infection and slipped away in her sleep. You can read all about Olive on her blog here:http://www.allaboutolive.com.au

I drove to Oregon for the second time, only this was a lot farther. I was going to go alone then my son asked if he could go at the last minute. This proved to be both a blessing and a curse.

We left at 6 am on Monday, July 7th (Happy BD Ringo!) and drove straight up to my Aunt's house in Talent Oregon. Talent is about 3 miles from the famous Ashland and only 8 miles from the border of California.
That is downtown Ashland. It is the home of the Shakespearian Fesitval that is held from March until October I believe.
My pictures were more of the park and the creek.
nice eh?
little waterfall
This is a really cool old fountain on the street corner. It didn't work.
I feel terrible because I actually didn't take any pictures of my Mom's house, or my Dad or my Aunt and Uncle. None, nada, zip. What a dork I am. I really only took about 15 pictures entirely and they were all of senery. I didn't even get one of Paula IN her own yard.
I did take pics of my aunt's yard however....
I wanted this for dinner but it was still in the yard when we arrived a week later..
Sue bee making lavender honey
gorgeous yellow rose of my aunt's and a salmon colored one-my favorite kind.
Some alien plant my Aunt is growing.. don't know what it is..
the first roses on my rose bush-of course when I got back they were dead. I left the day I took this.
I drove out to my freind Paula's house which is a few blocks from where my Mom's old house is.
She has the most incredible yard and garden I have ever seen. The inside of her house is amazing too but I dont' take pics of people private houses and post them online.
Her house gives me a feeling of never wanting to leave it. It's just that peaceful and cozy yet it's open and warm.
Here are a few shots of her garden. We usually pick BUCKETS of blueberries but I was there too early this year.

Lavender and plants.
Fruit trees
Towards the 25 or so blueberry bushes
peaceful and cool
Side of the house
Same side closer
As I drove out of her place back to the hiway, I took some pics of the surrounding hills that are still covered with trees. Central Oregon is full of fields, hills and trees, but they are patchworked all over the place. These are the hills outside of Dallas, which is a small town you drive through and around to get to Paula's and Fall City.
Fields and trees
More hills
On the way home, we went up and over the pass. I have never been that way home because last November, Jemma and I drove up to Grant's Pass and down 199 to Humboldt and Arcata.
So here is what we saw when we headed up over the pass:
Sun breaking through the clouds. The clouds gave us a welcome respite from the 95+ weather. But we were heading back to very smokey California. Yuk.
Typical California landscape in the Valley

More pass pictures.
On the way into Shasta. There is NO snow on Shasta. That is unheard of-ever. It is scary and sad.
Because I was driving and we had a deadline, I couldn't stop to take pics of Shasta itself, so this is the best one I got out of my window on a drive by...
Here is my co-pilot that didn't do much. He slept- I guess that is doing something. Plus he caused a world of grief for me and my family in the short week we were there. I won't get into it but it involved him disappearing overnight and his so-called ex that had thrown him out right before we left. You guessed it, he was secretly calling and lying to her and on my relatives phone lines without permission!!! Grrrrrrrr
He is a scrounge here and looked this way most of the trip. Can you say.. ah.. never mind.

So that was my recent trip to Oregon. I got all of my Mom's photo albums and video tapes that she made over the years. I am going to make DVD's of them all and pass them out to family that wants them.
That's about it for now. I will be posting this at Vox and blogspot too, what a pain in the arse.
It's still good to be back. I sure wish I had my old turquoise css page still. I might have it somewhere on my pc.. so I will look for it. It's a good change for summer.
Ta for now all!