Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Our Deepest Fear...

Our Deepest Fear - by Marianne Williamson

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
Our deepest fear
Is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
That most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I
To be brilliant, gorgeous,
Talented, and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small don't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people
Won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people
Permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others."

That is from a book by Marianne Williamson, the name of it escapes me at the moment.
And while it would be wonderful and this earth would be a much better place if we could "automatically liberate others" by being ourselves, in reality that is not the way it works. We might make them look a bit deeper into themselves and think, "hmm, maybe I need to lighten up-she sure seems to be happy." Or, they just might get mad at us because we uncovered something in their subconscious they don't want to think about. I

I have seen a lot of that going around lately.

On the other hand I see a lot of people with no gratitude either. People who are so self-centered that they think if they didn't ask for a gift, (get that, GIFT) then they don't need to say thank you.

I really don't understand people like this at all. I know it's not my job to understand them, but it would hurt less if I did. It wouldn't hurt at all if I could just completely stop caring, so I decided to do just that. I have cut off a friendship entirely because it was one-sided anyway, and it wasn't what I consider a friendship.
Maybe my idea of what a friendship is is completely out of whack in today's world, and maybe it doesn't work for me anymore for this reason- but it is still what I believe with my heart and I have to be true to me first.

It isn't easy to cut off any kind of contact with someone you care about and once loved deeply but sometimes it is just impossible to keep going with the status quo.

Tonight is the New Moon. It is a night that is good to make new starts, to have forgiveness rituals and cut invisible threads to those things, relationships, habits, that no longer serve you. I read an interesting article from my daily Om about this kind of closure.

Here was what the article said(parts of it):

A Sense of Closure
Cutting Cords

In every relationship, people are constantly exchanging energy that can become a chord connecting two people. This energetic cord forms just below the breastbone and can remain long after a relationship has ended. This unbroken cord may leave an open channel between you and another person, through which emotions and energy can continue to flow. If you are unaware that the chord exists, it is easy to feel the other person’s emotions and mistakenly think that they are yours. Besides the fact that this can limit the amount of closure you can experience in a relationship, letting this cord remain intact can leave you with a continued sense of sadness while creating feelings of lethargy as your own energy is sapped from you. Cutting the cord can help you separate yourself from old baggage, unnecessary attachments, and release you from connections that are no longer serving you.

Finding and cutting unwanted cords is a simple, gentle process that is best done alone and when you are relaxed. It is important that you are strong in your intention to release the chord between you and someone else. To begin, breathe deeply and perform a simple centering meditation. When you are ready, visualize or sense the chords that are connecting you to other people. Run your fingers through the cords to separate them until you find the cord you wish to sever. There is no need to worry, because the chord you need to sever will feel just right. When you have found it, determine where the cut should be made and then visualize the cord being cleanly cut. If you need assistance, Archangel Michael can be called upon to help you with his sword. Afterwards, if you feel that cutting the chord has left spaces in your energy field, then visualize those spaces being filled with healing sunlight.

There may be times where cutting a cord can help free a relative or loved one to reach new stages of growth. You’re not severing a relationship, but you are severing the chords that are no longer serving you both. At other times, a cord may simply refuse to be cut because it is still serving a higher purpose. It is also important to remember that cutting a cord with someone is not a replacement for doing your emotional work with people. It can, however, be an enactment of that work upon its completion. In any case, cutting a relationship cord should always be viewed as a positive and nurturing act. By cutting the cords that no longer need to be there, you are setting yourself and others free from the ties that bind.

So tonight, in just a little while, I am going to try and cut some cords. It has to be done-even if I don't want to do it. I have cut them before in many ways, but none of them have been successful in my eyes. Why? Because I still care. I care about them, how they are, if they are alright, well or sick, lonely or happy. I care a little less about what they are doing from day to day but at times the pain still cuts when I have to admit that I mean absolutely nothing to this person. Even less, I am not even a thought in their head. That hurts.

I wonder often if there is something wrong with my emotions and that I was born with some sort of detachment disorder~ I am unable to completely detach! Am I the only one like this? Why is it soooo easy for this person and others to go on as if they had never known me, never been in love with me (even if they never said it out loud), never spilled their sould and bled in front of me. Why is it that they can act as if I am invisible when they see me and then a year later they are over here wanting to hold me? Why why I guess the Whys are what kill me, over and over- so I have to have to have to detach the same way they have.
Sort of a LALALALAAAaaaaaa I know no one, nothing, care even less attitude.

If I live to be 100 I will never understand it. I do understand that this person is broken. I don't understand why anyone wants to stay that way. I do understand that this person is terrified of fears that haven't come true because the fear is easier to hide behind than to face reality. I get that. I just don't get why anyone would want to live a whole life time in fear. Fear of love, of loving, being loved, getting love. Fear of being humiliated, hurt, lied to, cheated on by someone that proved they would never, could never do those things. Fear of the unconditional love, fear of the acceptance that they cannot even give themselves.
Fear. I have been reading so many acronyms for fear.

Face Everything And Recover.
False Evidence Appearing Real
Forgetting Everything is All Right
Frantic Effort to Avoid Reality
False Emotions Appearing Real
False Expectations Appearing Real
Forget Everything And Run (polite form)
Felines Enraged About Rodents -huh?

Ok forget the last one..but really isn't fear just not knowing what MIGHT happen? What COULD (but usually doesn't) happen? Why would you live your only life shutting out love to spend the night with fear. Will it keep you warm? Will it love you no matter what?
No it won't. So why would you bid it dwell in your life, your house?

These are the things I scratch my head over. That gets me no where but feels good to my scalp. So it's time to cut the cords for once and for all. Will it be possible to live as if I never knew this person? No.

Will it be possible to avoid him forever. Not in this small county. Will I ever get past this? Yes by cutting these cords. If they will cut. (see the article). There may be something still that has to be learned but I don't know what that could be.

I really am leaning on the second half of this article, the "here may be times where cutting a cord can help free a relative or loved one to reach new stages of growth" part of it. That part is promising to me, promising that maybe I am holding up that growth and how exciting to maybe see something like that happen. For them. For their life. Not for me.

So I hold the spiritual scissors in my hand soon and start seperating the cords to find this one. I already know it's a deep indigo blue. Interesting eh? It is silky and strong too. I saw them all the last time I tried this exercise but fell asleep. So tonight, on the new moon, I pull out the cords of silk and cut. One last time.